Wave of Light

I didn't light a candle today but I have remembered. I will always remember and I will be forever changed. I miscarried in February of 2006. I was 10 weeks along and so excited for our first doctor appointment. The doctor could not find a heartbeat. She did an ultrasound and still nothing. I had to be scheduled with the ultrasound tech. Tests were done. No heartbeat. All signs pointed to a pregnancy but I had an empty uterus. The doctor gave us an explanation of all the possibilities and scheduled me for surgery. We went home and I cried. I searched the internet and read about all the explanations the Doctor gave me. Jason was worried about how this was going to affect me physically. I was heartbroken. No one knew I was pregnant. I called my sisters and told my mom and dad. It was hard. Who knew losing something you never really had would be one of the most devastating things in your life?

Feeling like I failed. Like I had done something or didn't do something I should have. Feeling unsure of wanting to be pregnant again because of fear. Not wanting to talk about it in order to spare others from feeling uncomfortable. Being sad. Missing the baby I never had. Feeling love all around me. Flowers, gifts, cards and meals being brought to my house after surgery. Phone calls, long talks with Jason. Feeling like things were going to be okay. Feeling like the opportunity to have a baby was worth anything. Knowing that things were going to be okay.

I learned so much from this experience. I realized what a truly wonderful man I married. I realized that I am strong. I learned to appreciate each gift that I have been given. I learned to appreciate children and the amazing beings that they are. I was reassured of my faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that they do have a plan for us and that even though it's hard to understand, everything happens for a reason.

Since this experience in my life I have heard more stories and learned so much about losing a child. I have talked, cried and remembered with so many wonderful women. Everyone's story is different and everyone's story is important. I have heard many stories that do not lessen the significance of what I went through, but that make me so greatful, because it could have been harder. One of my client's called me today to let me know that her unborn child passed away last night. Her due date was November 11th. It is more common than I could have ever imagined.

Please take a moment to play with your kids today. Tell them you love them and get down on your knees and thank God that you were given these precious gifts, gifts that not everyone will be given in this life. Embrace each day and each moment, a child is not a nuisance or a hardship, a child is the most wonderful thing you will ever create. To everyone that has lost a child, whether during pregnancy or otherwise, you are not alone. Remember your little ones and be greatful for the lessons you learned through them. You will be with them again someday.